I've actually thought of shutting technodeval.blogspot.com down. Yet everytime the mere thought of it surfaces, I just can't bring myself to do it ): I guess this blog has some sort of sentimental value to me since I've been so badly attached to it for this one period of time back in foundation lol! those were the days...
Now I'm just chipping in exciting recollection of events which took place in my life, which turned out so excruciatingly mundane when I type it out, somehow. I'm a failed story-teller, really. See how I manage to stray off-topic over the previous two paragraphs? Do you see any link AT ALL? And now I'm starting to ask rhetorical questions.
Hmm let's just drop the part where I talk to myself and get to the subject of this entry.
Y'all have to know, that I was in a state of depression (self-diagnosis, because parents refuse to acknowledge the fact that their daughter might be clinically depressed; hence, lack of proper anti-depressants etc), a really bad place indeed. And on top of that, there's also this other... factor which might as well cause the fucking depression; my blood-test result came back with a lot of asterisks* decorating the page like confetti.
That was about a month and a half ago, around the time my final year examination results were published, too! I was... what's the word... devoid of emotions when I saw more asterisks* on the result page wtf. Bad news just kept flooding in, one after another. And nights seem to stretch to longer hours. I will never forget how it felt, lying on the bed, face up, staring at pitch-black nothingness, feeling so overwhelming that I thought I should just cry and be done with self-conflict but I don't know how to? Then I continue to stare at pitch-black nothingness until the morning sunlight pierces through thick curtains, just bright enough so I can stare at the ceiling instead of pitch-black nothingness. It was a bad place.
But, but over the past 2-3 weeks, I've been feeling a little better. And over the past few days, it seems to me that people have been extra nice, almost loveable! lol! I'm serious. I'm talking about complete strangers doing little acts of sweet somethings which somehow manages to brighten my entire day regardless of how exhausted I am. Has it always been like this? Or has failure changed me? Has the 'bad place' that I've been spending so much time at, cast a bright-er light on positivity? I have no idea.
(:
The other day at Starbucks @Taylor's Lakeside,
My first day in West-Malaysia after two months of summer break
I even had a group discussion of about 6 members; half of which I never even knew existed! For reasons I cannot comprehend, I feel blessed, that the 2-day, full-day discussion went so damn fucking well I can't even describe. And I have never felt this much like a proper group member before. Group-work had ALWAYS been a painful experience, since ever! Not a time when there's no lazy fuck free-rider, or when there's no need for intensive language edits whereby the entire content had to be reconstructed! This time we're actually compatible and communication was a downright breeze!
Thank you, once-strangers, for letting me be a part of that (: it's that one final success that I guess I needed to experience in University. Before this, I was starting to have this perception that tertiary education was bullshit in terms of soft-skills whereby it doesn't teach us how to handle the more practical aspect of life!
Everything's different now (:
Who knew, the story of my life (at the moment) could be turned the right-side up by total strangers? I wouldn't have thought it was even plausible! Lesson learned? fuck yeah x
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